Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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