I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
