Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
