I have demons in me.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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