Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
