I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Randomize
