he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Found your dick twin last night
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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