you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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