Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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