had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
only you would photoshop your dick
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
