he wants to bone in the snuggie
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
