i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
