So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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