My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
It's official drugs can't kill me
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
