3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
