The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
