It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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