Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
