i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
