New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
