i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
do nipples grow back?
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