I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
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