after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize