I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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