I wish I could teleport
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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