So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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