I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
