he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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