the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
