soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
