new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
this boner is exhausting
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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