you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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