I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
