Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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