all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
