Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize