I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
