she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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