you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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