can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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