I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
