my phone needs a breathalizer
i just sent this text using only my big toe
sarcasm needs its own font
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
