Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
