I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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