He asked to "fluff my boner.."
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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