i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
