There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
