You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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