dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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