Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
