I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Randomize
