Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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