We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
