My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
