It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
