The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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