I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
