you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
there is puke in my bra ... again
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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