you traded sex for a burrito?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize