Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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