dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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